Find out the secret to a happy marriage and get what you want.

"The list will continue to mount, frustration will be felt. Once one is solved, another will pop up. To have a successful and fulfilling marriage the focus must be on the connection. When couples are connected they will want to give to each other because deep down they desire to give."

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Rosh HaShanah- How to get your spouse to meet all of your needs

If you could ask for anything in your relationship what would it be? I imagine your list may be pretty long. You may be able to cross off one item, suddenly to see two more pop up. Perhaps you are still frustrated that your husband never fixed the closet rod. If he would only do it, all of your problems would be solved. Unfortunately, applying a medical model to marriage counseling is not that effective. Bargaining and negotiating an issue will only serve to pacify conflict until the next frustration arises. Only by bypassing the symptoms and heading directly to the root cause, can you fulfill your relationship dreams. What is the root from which all conflict stems and in which lies the solution to meet your needs?

The answer is connection, or lack thereof. We are very good at getting caught up in the details, you know that list we were talking about. We are so brilliant at focusing on our list of complaints and dreams that we have forgotten what we really want; connection. The Zohar explains that the 613 mitzvos are 613 “words of advice”, itin, as to how to cleave to G-d. The purpose of the Torah is to have a relationship with G-d. Each mitzvah is a way to engage in that relationship and connect. It is important for us to be aware of the big picture in all of our relationships, otherwise we can get so wrapped up in the details that we forget about why we are doing what we are doing.

But if we ignore the details how do we get what we want? Do we resign ourselves to merely “settle” for the spouse we have? The prayers of Rosh HaShanah provide excellent insight into how to get exactly what we want. Rosh HaShanah is a day of judgment, yom hadin, a day when important decisions will be made regarding the upcoming year. Who will live, how much money will we make, etc . . . This is reflected in our davening multiple times when we ask to be inscribed in the sefer hachaim, the book of life. Yet, the Tikunei Zohar (Tikun 6) frowns upon those who fill their prayers with personal requests, referring to them as barking dogs shouting: give us food, a livelihood, forgiveness, life …” How do we get everything we want if we aren’t supposed to ask for it? Furthermore, we repeatedly do ask for life in the Rosh HaShanah liturgy!

The answer lies in our understanding of what life is all about. When we ask for life, what we are really asking for is deveikus, connection with Hashem. V’atem hadeveikim baHashem Elokeichem, chaim kulchem hayom, “But you who cling to Hashem, your G-d, you are all alive today (Devarim 4:4).” This is what we mean when we pray to be inscribed in the book of life. The Yosher Divrei Emes (Chapter 54) writes that ‘the inscription’ is the imprint of connection to Hashem that is etched upon our souls. The judgment is on our desire to connect to G-d. That is where all the details of our earthly needs will be determined. Thus, there is one thing that we ask: achas shaalti m’eis Hashem, osah avakesh; shivti b’veis Hashem kol yimei chayay, to dwell in Hashem’s House all the days of our lives.

Once the connection is cleaned, all of the brachos, blessings, can flow, but without that connection we won’t receive them even though Hashem wants to give them. While we may have a list of requests, things we want this year, things we want Hashem to do for us or to change, there is only one request that needs to be made, for when that request is granted everything we need will come.

The same applies in relationships with your spouse. The list will continue to mount, frustration will be felt. Once one is solved, another will pop up. To have a successful and fulfilling marriage the focus must be on the connection. When couples are connected they will want to give to each other because deep down they desire to give. Unfortunately, things get in the way.

Many requests from our spouse play on our fears, our insecurities. We go into fight/flight mode, relying on our survival defenses. We don’t see a loving wife or husband, we unconsciously see an enemy who is threatening our existence. We often reply irrationally and our spouse is left feeling frustrated that we will never change. We can remove these stumbling blocks by retraining our brain to react differently. We do this by slowing down and dialoging in an intentional way. We dialogue to connect and although we express frustrations, the frustration is not what is most important.

When I work with couples, I am most concerned about the relationship, the space in between, for that is where the relationship lies. The shared space is the focus. We don’t ‘solve problems’, we create and cultivate connection. Once that is done, couples often forget about the particular issues at hand as their real need is being met. Sometimes the request to fix the closet rod will get taken care of on its own. You will no longer need your husband to do it. Other times, one spouse will be moved to stretch and do something he/she was previously reluctant to do. It is even possible that your husband will now want to fix the closet rod. While there are procedures I employ that involve a behavioral change request, they are all built on dialogue and are focused on bringing the couple closer together. (On rare occasion, there is an unfortunate issue which severely damages a marriage. In such a case, the issue must be dealt with directly at the beginning of counseling.)

So we don’t make deals and try to make all of the problems go away; we go straight to the root cause of frustration and we nourish that root. When we view all of our relationships from this perspective and ask for what is most important; connection, all of are other needs will be resolved. May we all be blessed with a sweet year of connection in all of our relationships! back from secret to a happy marriage page to home page