Making your Marriage Better Part 3

Will He Ever Change?

Making your marriage better
After last issue, I hope you have a clearer idea of the purpose of the Intentional Dialgoue and the wonders it can do for making your marriage better. A common concern, which you may also be feeling, is how this actually “solves” anything. Clients wonder how improving communication will actually get their spouse to change or stop undesirable behavior.

A not so uncommon occurrence in conventional marriage counseling is that the therapist serves as a mediator, conducting negotiations for the warring parties. The husband will take out the garbage if his wife agrees to make dinner. While it appears both sides got what they want, they also may feel that they are being coerced by the therapist to do something they do not want to do. Making deals often leads to resentment and competition. “Look at how much I do around the house . . . you could at least do this for me.” The relationship is no better and new problems will arise.

When I work with couples, I do not negotiate or attempt conflict resolution. I believe, and have seen on numerous occasions, that change occurs through dialogue. As I have mentioned before, dialogue enables couples to have a stronger connection. Often, after hearing the spouse’s story, the listener, or receiver, has so much compassion that he/she wants to change. Sometimes, when the sender, the one talking, realizes that their frustration with their spouse is deeper than it appears on surface level, they no longer need their spouse to change or be different. They may even take care of the situation by themselves. When, there is connection, problems tend to work themselves out, because usually it is about more than the specific issues initially raised. Furthermore, there is an inherent problem with the attitude of wanting to change someone else. The person we are most responsible for is our self. Yet we often project our own issues onto our spouse. We go around thinking “if only she would change,” when the truth is, ain hadavar talui ela bi (Avodah Zarah 17a), we are ultimately the ones responsible for our situation. When we shift the focus from our spouse and change ourselves, it often has a ripple effect.

Along these lines, it is also important to realize is that in a relationship, both partners equally contribute and are equally accountable for any dissatisfaction experienced. Though this may be hard for us to swallow, especially when our spouse is blatantly doing something we deem unacceptable, conflict and dissatisfaction means that something is wrong with the relationship as a whole!

When I see couples, I am the therapist for the relationship. When a wife comes in and says, please fix my husband, I know that it is not just about him. While couples might discuss their problems during sessions, their job is not to “solve” them but to learn how to be “in relationship” and to learn the skills needed to deal with any problem. Through dialogue, problems generally resolve themselves.

Beyond the lack of being accountable for oneself, the attitude of waiting for the other to change or be different will only leave us brokenhearted, as it says in Mishlei 13:12, “A drawn-out hope brings sickness of heart…” (See Rashi Berachos 22b s.v. um’ayen ba)????? It is difficult to live with the constant feeling of dissatisfaction and wishing things would be different. We live in a solution-oriented world, and our first instinct is to fix the problem or, in this case, the identified patient.

This may work in business, but it doesn’t work with people. If your goal is to change someone, then you come to the relationship with an agenda. People usually can see through it, so it will most likely backfire. Whether dealing with “at-risk youth,” kiruv, or your spouse, the best thing you can do is to be there for the person with no strings attached and develop a real relationship, without any ulterior motives. Of course you would like them to change, but that is not what being in relationship is about.

All this may not make any sense to you unless you have actually experienced a dialogue. I once was at a couples workshop and sat next to one of the couples at lunch. The wife kept complaining about her husband and was worried about how she would have to “settle” and give up her dreams, as the dialogue process was not about making deals or getting her husband to change. I could see clearly by the way they were talking that dialogue could immediately shift their relationship out of their power struggle. Dialogue would give them an opportunity to really hear each other’s frustrations, and even help them develop enough compassion for each other to want to take tiny steps. Couples will want to stretch toward each other. While dramatic change does not always happen overnight, as couples both take steps toward each other, their relationship will improve and their frustrations will lessen.

While my experience is that merely dialoging about problems is often all that is warranted, there are times when I employ a behavior-change-request dialogue. In this dialogue, one shares their frustration about a particular behavior and explores the feelings associated with that frustration as well as what that frustration triggers. Behind every frustration is a request. Instead of criticizing or whining, this dialogue enables couples to ask in a direct and positive manner to have their needs met. As the receiver listens to their spouse’s frustrations and begins to feel compassion for their story, they ask their spouse what their global desire is in relation to this frustration and what they specifically could to do help meet that desire. For example, a frustration about a spouse staying too late at the office could emanate from a global desire of wanting to know that you care about me and like spending time with me.

You might be thinking, “Great, now is my chance to get him to change.” Well, it is not that simple. It would be unfair and unsafe to just ask your spouse to commit to doing something. You can’t make a vague request, like I want you to be outgoing, or nicer to me, etc.” For anyone to commit to change, he must have specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-limited requests. For example, for the next two weeks, I would like to have a meeting every Wednesday night for 30 minutes to discuss our Shabbos preparations and plans. By being specific and measurable, it makes it very clear what needs to be done and how to fulfill the request. And, since it is only for the next two weeks, it is achievable. Making an indefinite request is a lot to ask for when you are starting at zero. You are only setting yourself up for failure.

The usual objection is, “But if it is only for two weeks, he’ll never change!” Wrong. Often, when one fulfills the behavior-change-request, he or she will realize, “Hey, this is not so bad after all. I think I’ll continue doing it.” All the resistance the husband previously had when his wife was complaining about pre-Shabbos stress, is gone. Once he did it, he becomes more than happy to do it.

It is also important for the one making the request to see that their spouse was willing to do something for them for the sake of the relationship, even though it was something they did not like doing. It shows a desire to grow for each other. Even if it doesn’t resolve all problems. and it was only the tip of the iceberg of potential requests, the fact that he chose to do something, when in the past he did nothing, is a step in the right direction. You also must give your spouse options. Three specific requests dealing with the frustration or global desire are made, and the spouse who is granting the request gets to choose one to fulfill. This way, they actively choose to give you a gift as opposed to being backed into a corner and giving whatever you want.

Finally, it is imperative that couples do the entire process. If you said to your husband, “I don’t like that we are not organized for Shabbos and I want you to meet with me to plan,” it doesn’t usually work. By delving deeper and realizing that it is more than just Shabbos, that there is a deeper need being expressed, the empathic bond is formed and a desire to fulfill the request emerges. When he realizes that she is afraid of being abandoned and not having help, and it is not that he is lazy and selfish, he might actually want to help.

If we want specific changes, we need to ask. One couple said they liked this exercise because it finally got them to commit to doing something to resolve a frustration. It was such a simple idea, but it never occurred to them until they did this dialogue. Without making commitments, the best of intentions are often not fulfilled.

While this can be a very difficult exercise, and I would not recommend trying it without professional assistance after merely reading this article, I think the lesson it teaches us is valuable. It gives a glimpse of how to view our frustrations with our spouse and bring about change in our relationships in a safe way.

As we celebrate Purim, let us remember the dictum of our Sages, “Kol haposhet yad, nosnim lo – Anyone who extends his hand, give to him.” (Yerushalmi Megillah 1:4) Whereas we usually only give tzedaka to those who are worthy, on Purim we give without discretion to anyone who asks. Purim is a time to make and grant requests. When our spouse asks us to give them a gift, let us not focus on keeping score, deciding whether they “deserve” it, or what we will get in return. Rather, may we give from a place of empathy and compassion.
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