Making your Marriage Better Part 2

Entering the World of the Other

Making your Marriage Better
I imagine you may have heard plenty about the importance of good communication skills for making your marriage better. You may have even learned some techniques in a counseling session or shiur/class. So what makes the Intentional (or Couples) Dialogue, the core skill of Imago that I introduced to you last month, different?

This communication tool is unique in that, more than just speaking or listening, it teaches you to enter the world of the other. The number one reason people are not able to really listen to their spouse is the inability to enter the other’s world and validate their experience. The ego, self absorption, prevents us from making this trip. The Baal Shem Tov, homiletically interprets the verse (Devarim 5:5), “I was standing between Hashem and you . . .” to mean that the sense of “I” is what stands in the way of a relationship with G-d. The same applies to interpersonal relationships.

This does not mean that you must be a doormat and let others walk all over you; it means being able to make space for the other in relationship. This is difficult because we tend to see things through the vantage point of the self. In fact, a degree of self-absorption is necessary for our survival. If we had no self-interest, we would not eat or protect ourselves from danger, etc. However, in our effort to remain safe, we create our own little world. In this world, we assume that everyone experiences life as we do and we have a hard time making sense of anything else.

My daughter really likes a particular brand of soy cheese. My wife and I have no clue how she could even eat it because it smells so unappealing. This is an example of symbiosis. Since we wouldn’t eat it, no one else would either. Can you imagine if you met someone who didn’t like ice cream? “How could you not like ice cream?!” The list goes on an on, from your favorite music, shul, doctor, to your political party, etc. .. We (not just my wife and I!) believe that if we like something or think a certain way, then everyone else must agree.

While preferences are by nature are subjective, what about our own individual truth/experience about an objective incident? This symbiosis stretches to the point that we are unable to make sense of the experience of the other because it differs from ours. Not only does it not make sense, but we begin to feel unsafe, especially when it focuses on something we may have done. We, in turn, respond from a place of fear, and that drive to stay alive that protected us so nicely is now destroying our family life. We become reactive and we can’t even listen.

One of the goals of intentional dialogue is to break this symbiosis, to take the “I” out of the listener so that he can truly hear what his wife is saying. The structure makes it safe for the listener so that he will not revert to his defenses. It slows down the process so that we can be intentional about what we say and really listen to what is being said. When I coach couples through this process, I am there to make sure that the listener is really getting it. The intentional dialogue plays a bit part in making your marriage better.

Even if we don’t become defensive or confrontational, we have a few things to learn about listening. Suppose your spouse had a major presentation tomorrow at work and he shared his feelings of anxiety with you. Here are a few typical benign and non-reactive responses that may occur.

1. Oh, I see. I hear you.
2. You could do some breathing exercises before you speak. You should take some medication if you are feeling so anxious.
3. You shouldn’t be nervous. Don’t worry about it. There is nothing to worry about
4. You’ll do a great job
5. I know what it’s like. I also get nervous when I have to speak in front of a large audience.

While all of these responses are well-intentioned, giving unsolicited advice, discounting feelings, and commiserating will often leave the person feeling unsatisfied and unheard. The reason they do not work is that they are focused more on the listener, perhaps from a place of anxiety, than on the one talking. The Intentional Dialogue allows the one talking, or the sender, to feel truly heard. This is done by having the listener, or the receiver, mirror what the sender says. The receiver simply repeats or paraphrases what her spouse says and than ask if they got it, and if there is more they want to share. This continues until the person says everything they want to express.

While some will remark that this is not a “normal” way of talking, mirroring does wonders for relationships. First of all, the listener does not interject his own opinions. He must be completely focused on the other, so much so that he cannot even lend words of encouragement. Her sole task is to make sure she really understood what her husband said. This is especially effective when dealing with touchy subjects that may provoke a reaction on her part. Instead of getting into her “stuff”, she is forced to leave her world behind temporarily and journey into the world of her husband. Perhaps she thinks he is completely wrong, makes absolutely no sense, and does not have the facts straight. It doesn’t matter. It is not about right or wrong. As the saying goes, “you can be right or you can be in relationship.” It is possible that both are correct in their own eyes.

Secondly, it is not really about this particular issue, but about something deeper. Let’s use the husband now as an example. If he develops curiosity for her story, he may discover what is really bothering her. Not only will he feel relieved that it really wasn’t all about him and how horrible he is, he may feel compassion for her story. This is the magic of the 90/10 rule. The 90/10 rule dictates that 90% of anything that intensely bothers us is due to the triggering of a past experience or feeling and 10% of our reaction is due to the particular stimulus at hand. In other words, if your husband came home again late from work without calling, the strong emotions that you feel are merely old feelings reawakened by this incident. While this does not absolve us from responsibility for our actions, it is helpful to have this rule in mind to prevent us from being reactive when confronted with a barrage of emotions or criticism. The moment that occurs, we can remind ourselves that our spouse is not picking on us, but that they are in pain and it is time for us to get a little curious about their story.

Here is a real example of a situation that went right with dialogue and could have easily turned into a fight without it:

Wife: I am really upset that you haven’t gone to the cleaners to get your button fixed on your jacket. I feel like I have to do everything for you . . like you are one of the kids, another person to take care of. If I don’t take care of it, nobody will.

The husband has two choices. He actually disagrees with his wife. He was fully intending to go to the cleaners. In fact, he was scheduled to go today. He also does a lot to help around the house and he had never asked his wife to go the cleaners! His natural reaction would be to politely dissent and tell his wife “the truth” and clear his name. If he made that choice, an argument most likely would have ensued and it would have resulted in rupture. Fortunately, this husband had learned the Intentional Dialogue and he took the risk of not being right to enter the world of his wife. Here was his real response:

Husband: So what I heard you say is that you are upset that I did not go to the cleaners and get my button fixed and that you feel like you have do anything for me, as if I am one of the kids. Did I get you? (meaning, did I understand what you said?)

Wife: Yes.

Husband: Is there more ? (meaning is there more you want to share with me because I am interested in hearing your story)

The dialogue continued until the wife realized that this reminded her of how she felt the pressure to take care of her siblings, because her parents were not always available. This situation with the dry cleaners triggered that anxiety she experienced as a little girl. When she was finished sharing the story, her husband had fully made the journey into his wife’s world. He realized that it had very little to do with him or right or wrong. He was able to have compassion for his wife, for the little girl who was forced to grow up too soon. His eyes even filled with tears. He concluded the dialogue by validating her feelings.

Husband: What you are saying makes sense because I didn’t go to the cleaners. (Even though he may have intended to go later that day, and never asked his wife, he admitted his 10%).

Finally he empathized by sharing with his wife how he imagined she might be feeling.

Husband: I imagine you may be feeling very overwhelmed and alone. Is that what you’re feeling?

While the full power of this dialogue could only be experience through witnessing it, I think it gives you a glimpse into how it can transform conflict into connection. As a result of the dialogue, a shift occurred. When the husband was able to journey into his wife’s world, not reacting or contending over the facts, she was able to feel heard, and instead of resulting in rupture, their exchange brought them closer than they had been in months!

When leading couples through dialogue, I often give them the image of crossing over a bridge into the world of the other. When we are able to view our spouse as other than ourselves, someone with different experiences, views, and opinions, we are much more able to make sense of their feelings and behavior. Have you ever visited another culture? While you may have felt a bit uneasy, did you ever feel your way of life to be threatened? Were you able to respect the way they do things and make sense of it? It is much easier to be respectful of a lifestyle that does not encroach upon yours. It is only when you get close to home that you feel threatened. When we realize that our spouse is not us then we can enter their world without feeling threatened. We can play by their rules and follow the minhag hamakom because we are just visiting. And don’t worry, it is not a one-way trip. Your spouse will have plenty of opportunities to visit your world and experience your different perception of reality, all in the spirit of good will and connection. After awhile, you will begin to accumulate a lot of frequent flier mileage and your lives will be enriched by your travels. Bon Voyage!
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